SPECIAL INTEREST 
EWE! What is that? - Aftermarket add-ons not so well received
Sheep skin wheel covers
by Charlie Baird

Have you ever felt like driving a squirrel or other small fur-bearing rodent? Me neither. However, what I have wondered is what drives people to decide that they need a fluffy toilet seat cover wrapped around their steering wheel. Actually, most toilet seat covers are fuzzy velour. That’s an entirely different kind of tacky. I’m talking about genuine sheepskin and how some people feel naked without it.

This is a dilemma that has been tormenting my psyche since childhood. Yes, it has been years since I’ve been jolted out of an NPR-induced auto-pilot at the sight of an oncoming motorist wrestling with what appeared to be a wooly snake. However, with consumer confidence surfing the crest of a wickedly unstable market, I feel certain that these ridiculous add-ons will enjoy a moderate resurgence. I’m sure you’ve experienced the same kind of frustration. So, I thought I’d look into it.

My search started in the forum of the lazy and home-bound: the semper fi of Web sites, Yahoo.com. Much to my chagrin, I was not initially greeted by hits that would land me in the heart of a chat room or retail outlet specializing in crap nobody needs. Correction, as with any web query, I was inundated by links to manufacturers, e-tailers and discussion groups devoted to the propagation of crap that I don’t need. You, however, may have a need for high-performance combat shift knobs, curb feelers, static eliminators or Yosemite Sam mud flaps. The crap that I needed was apparently a little harder to come by.

Back on the steering wheel front, I found a site that tickled my curiosity. Eureka! A site with ribbed grips, no-lace rubber covers, velour slip-ons and custom styling rings. All that was missing was the reservoir tip…and, of course, a post-pubescent cover. I was almost resigned to fact that I was looking for a 70’s porn star in an age gracious enough to keep fit and trimmed when I stumbled onto Sheepskincity.com’s header urging interested parties to "Sit on it and smile." Unfortunately, the site was constructed in a decidedly Escher fashion where all of the doors lead to nowhere and the Web space hierarchy consisted mostly of broken links and dead-end switchbacks. What else can you expect from a company whose crown jewel is a motto that reads more like a push for hemorhoidal doughnuts than an upholstery accessory.

Ah, but I had seen what I was looking for. The labyrinth’s exit was visible on the horizon, and all I needed to do was remember the basics of online orienteering. Every fifth hyperlink leads to a specialty site that would send a gynecologist into convulsions and occupational therapy, and regardless of what you’re after, you can find it if you are persistent and patient.

Speak of the devil (in this case, patience, not gynecological occupational therapy). Sheepskin of Oregon carries a full line of fur-lined accessories. However, they fail to provide any proof, other than an inclusion in their inventory list, that they produce steering wheel covers. Granted, providing reassurances online is next to impossible, but the bare minimum any e-tailer should strive for is to include some pictorial representations of their stock. I’m afraid that Sheepskin of Oregon is destined for big things. Big lawyers in big courtrooms, filing a big chapter 13. Then again, according to their Web site, they "specialize in one of nature’s wonder products." If DeBeers, Exxon and Moet can build an empire based solely on natural wonders, I feel confident that wrenching the fur from the backs of unsuspecting sheep will return massive dividends in no time at all.

My next stop was Raid+Mountney, a UK seller of auto accessories. Though graphically stunted, the site was easy to navigate and in no time I was greeted by a page listing wheel treatments of several varieties. Alas, if I was going to find evidence of the continuing existence and evolution of steering wheel kitsch, I was not going to settle for simulated sheepskin. After all, if you’re going to trash up car, do it right. Drop more than $4.99. No man should be allowed to make a mockery of his automobile without a minimum investment of $20.00.

Finally, I realized that I had been feeling up the wrong mannequin. I had been searching under categories restricted to automobile accessories and steering wheel covers. In fact, all I need to do was run a simple search for "sheepskin." In the words of Emo Phillips, "Boy is my face red."

The flood gates opened. Among the plethora of Web sites offering goods from the Rocky Mountain states, was Sheepskinstation.com. While I successfully resisted the urge to place an order for 25 very unique Christmas presents, I found it much harder to calm the guttural disquiet brought on by the visage of the most foul product every sold via online discount outlet: a sheepskin bicycle seat cover. Damn! I bet that’s like getting a piggy back ride from your hirsute uncle. No thanks.

Like the quarry in any snipe hunt, these little darlings were elusive and offered little sense of accomplishment once they were found. Barring that, I can’t help but wonder what their true drawing power is. Is the appeal based in aesthetics or function? Before you as a consumer head after a fur coat for your steering wheel, might I suggest a couple alternatives.

For those who feel sheepskin offers improved functionality:

Do you long for warm, furry softness cradling your grip as you commute? Sidle up close to your wooly companions as you are swept about town in your favorite mode of mass transportation: the city bus. Of course, I know first-hand that clammy palms can significantly decrease a person’s ability hold fast to the steering wheel. So for those of you who fear that a loss of dexterity due to excess moisture, how about a nice pair of Coach driving gloves. Nothing says "I love my hands and therefore I love myself [more than anything else]" like a pair of well-vented driving gloves. At the very least, you could always enlist Danny Noonan to put some Stick-um on your grips.

For those who feel sheepskin offers aesthetic superiority:

These covers transmit one of two messages. Either you are striving to impress people with your John Denver sensibility (you see where that got him) or having fallen prey to the fallacy that purports these covers to be sleek and sophisticated, you are alerting any passerby that your business acumen and judgment should be second guessed.

Alas, according to an age-old Latin proverb, "De gustibus non disbutantum." There is no accounting for taste.